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Wordcount: 2948

Written for ScreamPrompts #42 (link: screamprompts.deviantart.com/j…

-A promise is made in the first 250-500 words (in my story it occurs at exactly 500 words)
-The promise is broken
-The promise-breaker has a consequence--and an annoying habit (Nacho's is calling her Baby, in English)
-A taxi is involved
-The story cannot begin in either character's home
-2000-3000 words

Due yesterday, which isn't bad considering I only saw the prompt two days ago. c: Also finally found a use for a weird sentence someone said to me recently--score.

Points to critique on:
-Sentence variety?
-Language barriers: for anyone who doesn't speak Spanish, were the Spanish phrases off-putting? Were there too many? Did it seem like I was trying too hard to make Dani's use of the language imperfect?

_

I had originally intended to have both of their phones run out of saldo--minutes--because that happened to me more times than you'd probably believe. Damn Movistar gives you almost no warning for that crap. But I thought that, even though it's realistic, it wouldn't sound very realistic. Nixed it.

Also, taxis in Argentina are actually pretty darn safe. No worries. C:

Thanks for reading.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-05-13
In Buscando Baby, TwistedAlyx establishes an interesting relationship that dives into an equally interesting set of events. ( Featured by IrrevocableFate )
:iconpyrotogepi:
PyroTogepi Featured By Owner May 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh man, that was a wild ride. I really like the title -- searching for baby. It fits very well. :)

I think the sentence variety is fine. Either way, the story kept me interested, and reading it never felt repetitive.

I was a little confused when trying to figure out if Dani was speaking english vs when she spoke spanish. The story is written in english (other than the spanish phrases) so it doesn't help any :x

I loved the story though!! Poor Nacho D:
Reply
:iconmekinga:
Mekinga Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014
it leaves me wonder - what happened to her? why did she call only one week later? and where was she really? how did they meet in the first place? oh, and the spanish is not off putting at all :)
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconopal-moon:
opal-moon Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i actually feel bad for Nacho poor guy actually tried..
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad to hear that you were able to connect to him! :)
Reply
:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner May 13, 2014
Well done - I read the whole thing although romance usually sends me diving out of a window.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hahaha thanks. Glad I was able to hold onto you.
Reply
:iconanyaromanova:
AnyaRomanova Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
your variety was great! and the language was great also! for people that cannot read it spanish can pretty much guess single words adn their meanings, i did notcie that when you had an entire sentence of spanish it was harder to understand though. 
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
None of them are actual sentences--they're pretty much all insults or expletives. Are there any that were particularly distracting? Thanks for the feedback!
Reply
:iconanyaromanova:
AnyaRomanova Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
no, it was fine.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well okay then. :) Guess I'll leave it as it is! Thanks.
Reply
:iconanyaromanova:
AnyaRomanova Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
no prob!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. ^^
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::iconsweethugplz::iconflyingheartsplz:
Reply
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Student Writer
-Sentence variety?

Loved it. Like reading a thriller, the characters were incredible. Nacho's a great anti-hero; really brilliant manipulation of sympathy.

-Language barriers: for anyone who doesn't speak Spanish, were the Spanish phrases off-putting? Were there too many? Did it seem like I was trying too hard to make Dani's use of the language imperfect?

Nah, I liked the Spanish... although then again, I am studying it xP

Well deserving of the DD.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Cool, thanks for responding to the questions I posed in the comments. I appreciate the feedback. :) If you've got a piece you want feedback on, feel free to shoot me a link.
Reply
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks for the offer :D
I have a short story I'm working on which you can feel free to comment on when posted =P
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Feel free to link it to me in a comment. :)
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I liked the slang, you don't do that annoying thing where it's translated right after, and it fits the overall mood.

Well paced, the characters are satisfyingly imperfect.
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! I'm glad to hear you thought so.
Reply
:iconorangehammerhead:
OrangeHammerhead Featured By Owner May 13, 2014
this is a very great story! i was on the edge of my seat reading it, and i could picture the scenery and characters very well. nicely done!! also, i thought the spanish phrases were a nice touch Clap  
Reply
:icontwistedalyx:
TwistedAlyx Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Reply
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